The fuck it sandwich

I know that Nick and I talked about this one while we were wasted, we both wanted to do it really really badly, but I got to it first. SUCK IT!

To make a really good fuck it sammich you have to be slightly depressed and pretty fucked up. I just made one, and I'm both slightly depressed and i took a few vicodin so I'm also pretty fucked up. I ususally don't want to eat on vicodin but I felt like puking so I had to. It was just one of those days, the sun didn't come out, it had been raining for a couple days, I had the day off and a handful of pills...

If you don't know, a fuck it sandwich is when you open the fridge and just start grabbing shit. You don't care what the fuck you are putting on it, or how it is going to taste. Most of the time, it isn't the best thing ever, but every so often it rules so fucking hard. I'm going to make a new tag for these awesome accidents and will post one up when I find something rad.

So my most recent fuck it included the following items, rye bread, peanut butter, leftover pork roast, and apple sauce. Yep.

I pulled them all out of the fridge, and spread a light layer of peanut butter over the bread, then just cut up some pork and slathered the whole thing in apple sauce. It probably would have been way way better with some wheat bread but rye was all we had....

It seriously fucking ruled! Try it.

the unhealthy choice

On the other hand, sometimes its really nice to spit in the face of your non-carnivorous friends and get down on some gnar bucket servings of meat. My roommate Pat took to this method the other night and made the following. First he fried up a little bit of bacon in a pan, but kept it semi loose. Then he wrapped said bacon around some left over hot dogs and grilled 'em up all nice and plump on our neighbors grill. My grill has gotten kind of dirty, so rather than clean it we just steal from the other tenants in the building. People where walking by and definitely getting bummed. Then we used sliced bread for a bun (this totally qualifies it as a sandwich in my book.) Ideally we wanted to throw some BBQ sauce on there, but we were out of that too, so brown mustard won us over. It was delicious and even the veggie dudes were salivating like Pavlov's dogs. Meat wins again!

oops / the healthy choice

It looks like peanut butter and jelly week is turning into peanut butter and jelly month, due to the fact that there's more important things to do than sit around on the internet writing about food we made when we were drunk. Choke on it.

This following sandwich is good for a bind, especially if its late, you're lit up and you have a vegetarian friend over. First, don't even bother looking at the jelly, cause yer not gonna use it. Get some whole wheat bread, peanut butter, a banana, and some honey. Do I even need to go any further with this? Slice the banana, stick it in the p butter and drown it in honey. Smack the bread together and wash it down with some ice cold 1% milk. Everyone involved will be stoked. That shit rules and won't make you feel like killing yourself when you reflect on it the next morning. I'm pretty sure Mark Gonzales makes this sandwich in a skate video, but I can't remember which one. Also, I'm really fucking bored right now. FTW.

PBJ&B

I'm a really big fan of putting other stuff on my PB&Js. Be it, chips or fruit or cereal(coco puffs are amazing!). I am always looking for new things to put on the most basic of sandwiches. One night, while I was living in LA and sleeping on my Uncles couch, I had a late night PBJ craving. After realizing that he had some really fancy oat nut bread and organic peanut butter, I realized I would have to unhealthy this sammich up in a hurry, b/c to be honest, I don't eat these sandwiches b/c they are healthy. I eat them b/c they are fatty, salty and really tasty. After searching the refrigerator I found a half wheel of Brie Cheese! FUCKING JACKPOT!!!!

So I grabbed the peanuty good stuff, jelly and that wheel of brie and went to work. I really like crunchy peanut butter, but I understand when people are pussies and like the creamy shit...fags. After smearing one side with jelly, I took the other side of the bread and coated that fucker with peanut butter. I like to use about 4 tablespoonfuls worth of peanut butter b/c I'm a man and I can handle a bit more than the jar recommends. Next I cut some pretty thick slices out of that wheel o brie and threw them on the peanut butter side....fucking rad!

I decided that I wanted the brie heated a little bit, so I put the sandwich on the George Forman grill and grilled it up for a few minutes...mmm, melty PBJB.......

When you pull that sucker off of the grill, watch the fuck out b/c that cheese will be crazy hot.

Thank me in the morning...

the DRUNK AL pb&j

This isn't something I witnessed first hand, but I know everyone involved and believe everything to be true, so here we go.

The Drunk Al is a rather simple take on the pb & j. All you'll need is two slices of bread (white and on the verge of going stale for maximum results,) some peanut butter (creamy or chunky, it don't matter,) and your choice of jelly (I'm digging strawberry lately.) In order to really understand this sandwich one must channel the spirit of Drunk Al. You can only make it when you're fucked up, so start drinking a good 24 hours prior to the meal. Smoking grass will work and if you're feeling really adventurous maybe smoke just a little bit of crack. Now you're ready to begin. Go into the kitchen alone. Set the two pieces of bread next to each other. Spread the jelly on one slice of bread and the peanut butter on the other. Now, if you're lucky, a roommate / friend / coworker will stumble in the kitchen, unnoticed by you. Take the piece of bread with the jelly on it and place it, jelly side up on the slice of peanut butter. I have gone through the trouble of showing you what this should look like (separated) via Microsoft paint:

Now, look at what you've done and proclaim out loud: "How the FUCK do you fuck up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?!" Then go to your room, alone, and eat in shame. Bon appetit!

peanut butter & jellys!

I guess I should've made this post yesterday, but it was labor day and I was hungover / drunk. Anyway, the world is functional yet again now that school is back in session. All the annoying, not to mention ugly, little shit kids are locked back up once again in their eight hour prison known as school. I'm so thankful that period of life is behind me, especially since I'm living the dream (editor's note: I'm not.) In the spirit of going back to school I declare this week PEANUT BUTTER and JELLIES week! Brennen and I will be posting nothing but different variations of the old stand-by. I can tell you already that peanut butter or jelly can be thrown at any time, only for the reason that we don't give a fuck. It should also go without saying that all pb&j's should be washed down with an ice cold glass of milk, unless you're into being a knob.

TBA

Every so often I get a craving for a super duper turkey sandwich. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does I need to make one as soon as humanly possible...then I have to take a nap. I pretty much only make this sammich in the winter. There is just something about cooking bacon in the summer that I just don't enjoy. I think it's because when you fry bacon the entire house warms up by about 5 degrees and smells delicious for an hour or two.

So go grab some bread, bacon, lettuce, tomato, turkey, and avocado. Fry up two or three slices of bacon. While you are frying that delicious fatty meat cut the avocado in half and slice it up. Throw two pieces of bread in the toaster and turn the dial to your preferred setting. I like to toast my bread for about 60 seconds...not really toasting it so much as making it harder and hotter than it was. Layer some turkey on there then go for the lettuce. Lettuce is essential to this sandwich, so don't forget it! Tomato goes on next! I only like one slice of tomato, but feel free to do two or three. After the tomato wait until the bacon is cooked. As soon it gets nice and crispy put it on top of the tomato. Top it all off with the avocado that you sliced up earlier. I'm a sandwich smusher, so I like to smush the top of the bread down so the avocado kind of gets pressed into the bread. I HATE mayonnaise, but I understand that other people really like it...if you are one of those fucktards then go right ahead and put some on this sammich...I'm sure you will love it.

Eat this sammich while the bread and bacon are still warm or else you will be hella bummed.

Thanksgiving Leftover 2.0

Before I give you MY(read: The better) Thanksgiving leftover Sammich, I have to call Nick out on some of his bullshit ideas....
1. It is always OK to give people shit for being obese. If it's OK to shovel a whole bunch of shit on someone for smoking/drinking/weeding then it's OK to give them shit for eating an entire box of Twinkies while watching CSI...it just is. Yes I understand that people have medical reasons for being overweight, but I contend that the majority of fatties are just lazy buckets of gravy. *please note that I do know the difference between overweight and obese...I am overweight, everyone in the movie Heavyweights(minus Ben Stiller and crew plus that one weird counselor) is obese.
2. You sir are a dickhead. We agreed to the 'guest spot' for a reason! Don't try adding more people to this blog! When we cant turn this bitch into a cookbook if we have to get clearance from 4/5/or 6 people....you ass!
Well, I guess I only needed to make you look like a jerk for two things...so that means I still love you...fag.

My thanksgiving always starts the same way, I wake up hungover as fuck and think about how much I'm not looking forward to spending 12+ hours with my family. I'm Irish(yeah, Brennan is a really really Irish surname), we have family parties(holidays, birthdays, graduations, all catholic sacraments, etc) all the fucking time...I have 36 cousins on my mom's side of the family alone! I love my family, but that many people at my grandmas house is just too much...especially when I'm not getting presents from Santa or all of my aunts WOO BIRTHDAY!!!

I LOVE thanksgiving! It's the one day of the year that you are encouraged to eat until you vomit...and we all know how much I vomit. So, without anymore bullshit I give you my version of the Thanksgiving Leftover Sammich!!!! Get stoked bitches......

Grab every leftover that is in the fridge. Put the cranberry crap back, b/c that shit is garbage. Actually, you should just slide that bowl of gelatinous shit into the garbage disposal now and save yourself the misery of looking at it for the next few days. So, take one of those rolls(yes, I know nick and I both like the rolls, go fuck yourself if you choose to use crap bread on this sammy). Grab the potatoes and smear them all over one side of the roll then toss some corn on that shit. Grab a hunk-o-turkey and stick it on top of the potato/corn mix, then go for a big handful of stuffing, take that stuffing and put it on the turkey. After the stuffing if you have any of those cheesy potatoes left(yes two kinds of potatoes is a bit excessive but fuck it, its thanksgiving!) throw those on too...put the top of the roll on the cheesy taters, and then drop a bunch of gravy on top of the whole thing! Stick that fucker in the microwave and eat the fuck out of it. You should probably be high while you eat this b/c getting molten gravy all over your hands kinda sucks. It's a bit like hot wax, only a little less hot...if that makes any sense.

After you eat this deliciousness, take a fucking nap...you will need it! Eating more than one of these is not recommended for those who are watching their weight, as this sammich contains more than 1200 calories...but if you are watching your weight you probably shouldn't be reading this blog b/c it'll only make you hungry...fag.

fluff'n nutter

God, you know what I hate? Fat kids. Fat kids totally suck. When you're a little kid you're supposed to be running around outside, scraping your knees, occasionally exposing yourself (cause you can get away with the "don't understand why it's wrong to show people your dick" excuse), catching bugs, and breaking shit. For some reason certain little kids just wanna sit around, wear sweat suits representing their grade school, and eat little debbie products all day long. Fuck those little sweaty fucks. They deserve to be tormented at school by their peers. It's really the only time in ones life that its acceptable to ruthlessly and publicly mock someone for obesity. Once you get older, it's totally fine to be fat. Some people don't have a choice in the body type they were given. Can't hate on someone thats a little bit chubby with some years behind them. Thats just the way it goes. But if you're in the single digits and you weight in the triple digits, then fuck off. Having said that, here's the ultimate piggy sammich:

Take two pieces of white bread. Make it something really fucking white, like Wonder or whatever. Now get some Jiffy or Peter Pan bullshit, and make it chunky, in honor of all the chunky's out there that love this sandwich. Spread it on all heavy like. Next, grab a jar of Fluff, that vile marshmallow spread, and spread that on the other slice. Put the two slices of bread that have gunk on them together and viola!, you've got a fluff'n nutter sammichh. I would suggest drinking it with a tall, cold glass of 2% milk, but if you're actually eating this be a true scumbag and wash it down with a coke, straight out of a two liter bottle thats been sitting in a mini fridge, in your room. You totally disgust me.

thanksgiving left over sandwich

If this were some popular blog that actually cared about readership one might say I should have waited till November to write about this tasty morsel, but it's not, so fuck off.

How great is Thanksgiving? Every year I drive home, usually a wee bit hung over, only to pull up into my parents drive way just as the food is being set on the table. Mmm, thinking about it is making my privates tingle with joy. While that meal is undeniably the best thing I'll eat all year, nothing can really top the left over sandwich that, no doubt, everyone across the congressional untied states devourers into early December. I like to keep mine simple.

If you have to use regular old bread, go ahead, thats fine and dandy, but I prefer using any dinner rolls that may still be lurking around. "But Nick," you may say, "a dinner roll isn't going to be big enough to satisfy my late night, drunken sailor hunger! Are you a fool?" No, I'm not, you stinky twit, you simply make a bunch of 'em! However, make sure that your eyes don't get too greedy for your tummy. Leftovers, are limited and you don't wanna waste any of that sweet, sweet homemade goodness. Anyway, take a desirable number of rolls, cut them in half, put 'em to the side for now. Next, take a large plate and evenly distribute about a half inch of mashed potatoes across the surface. Sprinkle a little bit of gravy on that shit. Now, rip the leftover turkey with your fingers into a size that looks suitable for sandwich portions. Now soak it with even more gravy. Place a paper towel over the top and nuke it in the microwave. Occasionally stop and stir it up cause the last thing you want is a lump of cold 'tatoes in your mouth. Once it's hot and ready, stir up the the mixture, and spread it on those rolls. I usually put too much on so that it oozes out the sides, but just lick that stuff up. Oh yeah, a dash of salt and pepper ain't gonna hurt it either.

Every once in a great while you'll see a variety of this sammich at some trendy restaurant, but I never get it. It's not the real deal, where everything was taken out of multicolored, warped tupperware, that was sitting in the fridge for a day or two. Also, they usually put cranberry sauce on there. I know I'm considered to be in the wrong on this one, but fuck that, FUCK THAT! If you put cranberry sauce on there it's gonna take over the simplicity of what it's meant to be. Also, cranberry sauce is totally disgusting. Grow up already.

Leftover Pasghetti

I'm pretty sure that nobody in the history of the world has ever made the right amount of spaghetti. You either make WAY too much, or not enough to satisfy your hunger. When you don't make enough you can just eat some bread or a salad or something. If you cook too much you have a decision to make. You can either put it in the fridge where it will sit for a week or two until you finally throw it away, or you can just cut to the chase and toss it in the garbage. I'm a put it in the fridge guy. After the sketti sits in the refrigerator uncovered for more than a day or two it starts to get hard and gross. I'm one of those weird dudes who always puts the leftover pasta(all kinds of pasta, even lasagna) into a Ziplock bag. It's something that my mom always did, so I guess I continue to do it. The thing is, when I look into other peoples refrigerators and see pasta on the shelf in a ziplock, I get really grossed out. I don't know why, it just happens. I won't microwave spaghetti. It doesn't heat evenly and the sauce always gets burned, but I WILL make a sammich out of it! My recipe is as follows...

Open up the fridge and grab the baggie of sketti, margarine, and one leaf of lettuce. Grab two pieces of CHEAP, (less than a dollar fifty a loaf cheap) bread. Don't use any kind of fancy dancy oat bread, or nut lovers hard cock bread or anything other than cheap white or wheat. I dig white for this creation. Put the bread on a plate and spread some of that tasty butter like stuff all over both pieces. Take that piece of lettuce and rip it to shreds, then sprinkle it all over one slice of your bread. Next grab a big handful of spaghetti(i use my hands b/c I find they are more accurate at measuring sketts than any sort of pasta grabbing tool) and plop the entire handful on top of the lettuce. If you would like to add any sort of hot sauce or spices, do it now but you should have just added that shit to the sauce when you cooked it. Put the other piece of bread on top of the pasta and go to town! It's messy as fuck, and you will probably get sauce and little pieces of spaghetti all over yourself but it's really tasty so just eat it. If you are really that worried about keeping your hands clean you should probably stop reading this blog b/c this kind of shit is going to keep happening...

I worked at Subway...part 2!

First and foremost, thank Jah that Brennan can actually write. His post was so rad. Anyway, here's my say in the great Subway ordeal...

I only worked as a sandwich artist for three months when I was 15 (worst summer ever.) I totally hated that shit. I only did it because my parents demanded that I get a job and I figured it would be easy, breezy, cover girl. It ended up sucking donkey. I worked with a bunch of dirty hippies that did massive bong rips in the walk in cooler (where all your food was stored,) a yuppie fuck who was retarded, and a middle aged woman that had worked there for at least the last 13 years, if not more. Also, she had a horse face so brutal I constantly fought the urge to feed her a carrot. I went in on a daily basis wishing everyone had died the night prior. Two of our regulars, that came in at least five nights a week, was a grandmother and her 13 year old grandson. Same order every single fucking time. A foot long club, on white, with nothing but as much mayonnaise and black olives as we'd allow. It got to the point where I was going way overboard just to fuck with them and they loved every single minute of it. Sickos! My only hope is that they're rotting somewhere now. In that time, I came up with this gem:

Make it a foot long, or a six inch if you're a sissy. I like wheat, but I'm pretty sure there's some sort of Italian bread now that would totally slay for this sammich. Order a chicken breast with extra cheese (editor's note: super stoked Brennan loves the extra cheese! Fuck yeah dude!) Next, and this is where it gets squirrelly, tell that sumbitch behind the counter to cover that shit in the meatball sauce. They might look at you strange, but fuck 'em, its your 'mich. The only veggie you'll need is onions. Throw a decent amount on there. All you need now is a sprinkle of parmesan and oregano. Stuff it and smile knowing you totally tripped out the knob working behind the counter. They'll assume you're an aficionado on some next level shit and you know what? You will be!

I worked at Subway...part 1.

So when I was 16 I worked at Subway for about 6 months. It was quite honestly the worst job I have ever had. My friends hot moms would come in and order the same thing, every time. ALL OF THEM! Every single one of these ladies ordered the same sandwich, a 6" turkey on wheat with lettuce, tomato, black olive, the shakes(salt/pepper and oregano), then oil and vinegar. What the fuck!?! How bland do you want your food? FUCK THAT SHIT!!! I will never understand how some of the hottest women(yes, I love older women...I'm not apologizing for that) can eat such garbage. Annnnyyyywayyyyyyy I wasn't eating meat when I worked there, I do now. This sammich still kills it.

So you take 6" of your favorite Subway bread, I like wheat but follow your heart with your bread, wheat is my favoritest.......

You take that bread and LOAD it up with white American cheese, you have the dude put 3 layers on that bread, 3 solid layers! Normal double cheese plus one more layer. If you skip this step you might as well just put ham on this bitch and call it a day...you MUST put 3 layers on this guy, I assure you it's worth the extra $0.50.

So, lots of cheese then you put a thin layer of lettuce on that delicious white stuff, the lettuce should be thin enough to see bits of white through the nice leafy green layer. Don't have the dude put too much lettuce on this sammich or you will be a little bummed. I love the leafy greens a whole bunch, but you can overdo it...don't be a douche, don't overdo it.

OH SHIT! I totally forgot the most important part, have the dude put a veggie patty in the oven! Do it now, don't wait until the end. If you wait, you will be super pissed when the rest of your sandwich is all ready and you are waiting for that fucking veggie patty, so just do it now. There is nothing worse than waiting for the guy to cook your patty while the rest of your delicious sammich is sitting on the cutting board. He will start working on the next sammich, and you will be super bummed. By the time you get that fucker(and he is a fucker) to work on your shit again the patty will be cold and you will have lost your window of awesome...so do it right.

Back to the shit that you are putting under the patty...have the dude put a LOT of green peppers on that fucker. A LOT of them! Use more green peppers than you would use in a salad to feed 5 people, a SHITTON of green peppers. The stack of peppers should be thicker than the veggie patty. You are probably going to bum him out with the amount of peppers he will be putting on there, he might even charge you an extra dollar...it's fucking worth it!

If the veggie patty isn't ready by now just bullshit the dude like you are trying to make up your mind about he should do next. Don't do anything else until the patty is ready! When he pulls that delicious slab of pressed veggies out of the convection oven and puts that little guy on your sammich, you should ask him to immediately put the shakes on there(Subway doesn't have microwaves, they only have convection ovens[google convection v. microwave if you don't know why this rules]). You need to have him add the shakes while the patty is still super hot b/c the patty will suck in those spices better while hot than cold. At the end of this whole ordeal have the dude put a LIGHT spray of oil on the bread. DO NOT PUT ANY VINEGAR ON THIS SAMMICH!!!

I feel that Lemonade or Sprite go best with this creation but feel free to experiment with the drink of your liking.

So, who wants to buy me lunch tomorrow?

Breakfast of Champions

The sandwich that more or less inspired the blog! Right now my pantry is looking pretty sad. Not a whole lot of selection, but enough to make due. Brennan and I realized we hadn't eaten all day and it was time to go to work. After looking over our several options here's what I chose and here's what you'll need:

1. One fresh bagel from your local bakery (plain will work, but mix it up with an onion, sesame seed, everything, whatever.)
2. One egg, fried style
3. One avocado
4. A few slices of cooked bacon
5. Hot sauce (we used Tapatio, which is highly recommended because A. it's super cheap, B. zesty in all the right ways, and C. my Mexican friends approve that shit.)

Alright, first toast that bagel to your liking. If your toaster goes to say 10, I would suggest putting it at about a 4. Next, cut the avocado in half and then slice each half into desirable slices. Half an avocado should be fine, so make one for a friend or glutton it up. Your call. Now would be a good time to start cooking that bacon. In a separate pan, fry that egg up all nice. If you time it right the bagel will pop up just in time to throw the egg on the bottom half. You'll splash what you'd consider to be the right amount of hot sauce on. Now rip the bacon into smaller slices so it won't hang over the edges of the bagel. Don't be a total savage about it, you know? Lastly, arrange the avocado slices till the area is covered. Throw that top half of the bagel on there and dig in. You know that shiy rules. I'd also like to note that there's no cheese on this 'mich. I really love cheese and you'll come to an understanding that I put it on most sandwiches, but for the breakfast of champions it would be a little overwhelming. Hope you like it.

welcome my brothers and sisters

So here's the deal. I'm really poor. Like, really, really poor. As a result my diet somewhat reflects my income. Regardless, I try my best to eat tasty meals when it's time to dine. Taking that into consideration, who doesn't love a fucking sandwich? No one, that's who. You can pretty much come up with an infinite number of combinations to create a great sandwich. Do you see where I'm going with this? Sammich Fun is going to be dedicated to rad sandwiches. My friend Brennan and I are going to treat you to a variety of culinary delights. Topics will include random shit we came up with, delights we've witnessed friends create, celebrity favorites, to the all time classics. Yeah, this is pretty much going to rule. I highly encourage any and all readers to make these sandwiches for themselves. If it sucked I wouldn't put it up here. Enjoy!