The fuck it sandwich

I know that Nick and I talked about this one while we were wasted, we both wanted to do it really really badly, but I got to it first. SUCK IT!

To make a really good fuck it sammich you have to be slightly depressed and pretty fucked up. I just made one, and I'm both slightly depressed and i took a few vicodin so I'm also pretty fucked up. I ususally don't want to eat on vicodin but I felt like puking so I had to. It was just one of those days, the sun didn't come out, it had been raining for a couple days, I had the day off and a handful of pills...

If you don't know, a fuck it sandwich is when you open the fridge and just start grabbing shit. You don't care what the fuck you are putting on it, or how it is going to taste. Most of the time, it isn't the best thing ever, but every so often it rules so fucking hard. I'm going to make a new tag for these awesome accidents and will post one up when I find something rad.

So my most recent fuck it included the following items, rye bread, peanut butter, leftover pork roast, and apple sauce. Yep.

I pulled them all out of the fridge, and spread a light layer of peanut butter over the bread, then just cut up some pork and slathered the whole thing in apple sauce. It probably would have been way way better with some wheat bread but rye was all we had....

It seriously fucking ruled! Try it.

the unhealthy choice

On the other hand, sometimes its really nice to spit in the face of your non-carnivorous friends and get down on some gnar bucket servings of meat. My roommate Pat took to this method the other night and made the following. First he fried up a little bit of bacon in a pan, but kept it semi loose. Then he wrapped said bacon around some left over hot dogs and grilled 'em up all nice and plump on our neighbors grill. My grill has gotten kind of dirty, so rather than clean it we just steal from the other tenants in the building. People where walking by and definitely getting bummed. Then we used sliced bread for a bun (this totally qualifies it as a sandwich in my book.) Ideally we wanted to throw some BBQ sauce on there, but we were out of that too, so brown mustard won us over. It was delicious and even the veggie dudes were salivating like Pavlov's dogs. Meat wins again!

oops / the healthy choice

It looks like peanut butter and jelly week is turning into peanut butter and jelly month, due to the fact that there's more important things to do than sit around on the internet writing about food we made when we were drunk. Choke on it.

This following sandwich is good for a bind, especially if its late, you're lit up and you have a vegetarian friend over. First, don't even bother looking at the jelly, cause yer not gonna use it. Get some whole wheat bread, peanut butter, a banana, and some honey. Do I even need to go any further with this? Slice the banana, stick it in the p butter and drown it in honey. Smack the bread together and wash it down with some ice cold 1% milk. Everyone involved will be stoked. That shit rules and won't make you feel like killing yourself when you reflect on it the next morning. I'm pretty sure Mark Gonzales makes this sandwich in a skate video, but I can't remember which one. Also, I'm really fucking bored right now. FTW.

PBJ&B

I'm a really big fan of putting other stuff on my PB&Js. Be it, chips or fruit or cereal(coco puffs are amazing!). I am always looking for new things to put on the most basic of sandwiches. One night, while I was living in LA and sleeping on my Uncles couch, I had a late night PBJ craving. After realizing that he had some really fancy oat nut bread and organic peanut butter, I realized I would have to unhealthy this sammich up in a hurry, b/c to be honest, I don't eat these sandwiches b/c they are healthy. I eat them b/c they are fatty, salty and really tasty. After searching the refrigerator I found a half wheel of Brie Cheese! FUCKING JACKPOT!!!!

So I grabbed the peanuty good stuff, jelly and that wheel of brie and went to work. I really like crunchy peanut butter, but I understand when people are pussies and like the creamy shit...fags. After smearing one side with jelly, I took the other side of the bread and coated that fucker with peanut butter. I like to use about 4 tablespoonfuls worth of peanut butter b/c I'm a man and I can handle a bit more than the jar recommends. Next I cut some pretty thick slices out of that wheel o brie and threw them on the peanut butter side....fucking rad!

I decided that I wanted the brie heated a little bit, so I put the sandwich on the George Forman grill and grilled it up for a few minutes...mmm, melty PBJB.......

When you pull that sucker off of the grill, watch the fuck out b/c that cheese will be crazy hot.

Thank me in the morning...

the DRUNK AL pb&j

This isn't something I witnessed first hand, but I know everyone involved and believe everything to be true, so here we go.

The Drunk Al is a rather simple take on the pb & j. All you'll need is two slices of bread (white and on the verge of going stale for maximum results,) some peanut butter (creamy or chunky, it don't matter,) and your choice of jelly (I'm digging strawberry lately.) In order to really understand this sandwich one must channel the spirit of Drunk Al. You can only make it when you're fucked up, so start drinking a good 24 hours prior to the meal. Smoking grass will work and if you're feeling really adventurous maybe smoke just a little bit of crack. Now you're ready to begin. Go into the kitchen alone. Set the two pieces of bread next to each other. Spread the jelly on one slice of bread and the peanut butter on the other. Now, if you're lucky, a roommate / friend / coworker will stumble in the kitchen, unnoticed by you. Take the piece of bread with the jelly on it and place it, jelly side up on the slice of peanut butter. I have gone through the trouble of showing you what this should look like (separated) via Microsoft paint:

Now, look at what you've done and proclaim out loud: "How the FUCK do you fuck up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?!" Then go to your room, alone, and eat in shame. Bon appetit!

peanut butter & jellys!

I guess I should've made this post yesterday, but it was labor day and I was hungover / drunk. Anyway, the world is functional yet again now that school is back in session. All the annoying, not to mention ugly, little shit kids are locked back up once again in their eight hour prison known as school. I'm so thankful that period of life is behind me, especially since I'm living the dream (editor's note: I'm not.) In the spirit of going back to school I declare this week PEANUT BUTTER and JELLIES week! Brennen and I will be posting nothing but different variations of the old stand-by. I can tell you already that peanut butter or jelly can be thrown at any time, only for the reason that we don't give a fuck. It should also go without saying that all pb&j's should be washed down with an ice cold glass of milk, unless you're into being a knob.

TBA

Every so often I get a craving for a super duper turkey sandwich. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does I need to make one as soon as humanly possible...then I have to take a nap. I pretty much only make this sammich in the winter. There is just something about cooking bacon in the summer that I just don't enjoy. I think it's because when you fry bacon the entire house warms up by about 5 degrees and smells delicious for an hour or two.

So go grab some bread, bacon, lettuce, tomato, turkey, and avocado. Fry up two or three slices of bacon. While you are frying that delicious fatty meat cut the avocado in half and slice it up. Throw two pieces of bread in the toaster and turn the dial to your preferred setting. I like to toast my bread for about 60 seconds...not really toasting it so much as making it harder and hotter than it was. Layer some turkey on there then go for the lettuce. Lettuce is essential to this sandwich, so don't forget it! Tomato goes on next! I only like one slice of tomato, but feel free to do two or three. After the tomato wait until the bacon is cooked. As soon it gets nice and crispy put it on top of the tomato. Top it all off with the avocado that you sliced up earlier. I'm a sandwich smusher, so I like to smush the top of the bread down so the avocado kind of gets pressed into the bread. I HATE mayonnaise, but I understand that other people really like it...if you are one of those fucktards then go right ahead and put some on this sammich...I'm sure you will love it.

Eat this sammich while the bread and bacon are still warm or else you will be hella bummed.

Thanksgiving Leftover 2.0

Before I give you MY(read: The better) Thanksgiving leftover Sammich, I have to call Nick out on some of his bullshit ideas....
1. It is always OK to give people shit for being obese. If it's OK to shovel a whole bunch of shit on someone for smoking/drinking/weeding then it's OK to give them shit for eating an entire box of Twinkies while watching CSI...it just is. Yes I understand that people have medical reasons for being overweight, but I contend that the majority of fatties are just lazy buckets of gravy. *please note that I do know the difference between overweight and obese...I am overweight, everyone in the movie Heavyweights(minus Ben Stiller and crew plus that one weird counselor) is obese.
2. You sir are a dickhead. We agreed to the 'guest spot' for a reason! Don't try adding more people to this blog! When we cant turn this bitch into a cookbook if we have to get clearance from 4/5/or 6 people....you ass!
Well, I guess I only needed to make you look like a jerk for two things...so that means I still love you...fag.

My thanksgiving always starts the same way, I wake up hungover as fuck and think about how much I'm not looking forward to spending 12+ hours with my family. I'm Irish(yeah, Brennan is a really really Irish surname), we have family parties(holidays, birthdays, graduations, all catholic sacraments, etc) all the fucking time...I have 36 cousins on my mom's side of the family alone! I love my family, but that many people at my grandmas house is just too much...especially when I'm not getting presents from Santa or all of my aunts WOO BIRTHDAY!!!

I LOVE thanksgiving! It's the one day of the year that you are encouraged to eat until you vomit...and we all know how much I vomit. So, without anymore bullshit I give you my version of the Thanksgiving Leftover Sammich!!!! Get stoked bitches......

Grab every leftover that is in the fridge. Put the cranberry crap back, b/c that shit is garbage. Actually, you should just slide that bowl of gelatinous shit into the garbage disposal now and save yourself the misery of looking at it for the next few days. So, take one of those rolls(yes, I know nick and I both like the rolls, go fuck yourself if you choose to use crap bread on this sammy). Grab the potatoes and smear them all over one side of the roll then toss some corn on that shit. Grab a hunk-o-turkey and stick it on top of the potato/corn mix, then go for a big handful of stuffing, take that stuffing and put it on the turkey. After the stuffing if you have any of those cheesy potatoes left(yes two kinds of potatoes is a bit excessive but fuck it, its thanksgiving!) throw those on too...put the top of the roll on the cheesy taters, and then drop a bunch of gravy on top of the whole thing! Stick that fucker in the microwave and eat the fuck out of it. You should probably be high while you eat this b/c getting molten gravy all over your hands kinda sucks. It's a bit like hot wax, only a little less hot...if that makes any sense.

After you eat this deliciousness, take a fucking nap...you will need it! Eating more than one of these is not recommended for those who are watching their weight, as this sammich contains more than 1200 calories...but if you are watching your weight you probably shouldn't be reading this blog b/c it'll only make you hungry...fag.

fluff'n nutter

God, you know what I hate? Fat kids. Fat kids totally suck. When you're a little kid you're supposed to be running around outside, scraping your knees, occasionally exposing yourself (cause you can get away with the "don't understand why it's wrong to show people your dick" excuse), catching bugs, and breaking shit. For some reason certain little kids just wanna sit around, wear sweat suits representing their grade school, and eat little debbie products all day long. Fuck those little sweaty fucks. They deserve to be tormented at school by their peers. It's really the only time in ones life that its acceptable to ruthlessly and publicly mock someone for obesity. Once you get older, it's totally fine to be fat. Some people don't have a choice in the body type they were given. Can't hate on someone thats a little bit chubby with some years behind them. Thats just the way it goes. But if you're in the single digits and you weight in the triple digits, then fuck off. Having said that, here's the ultimate piggy sammich:

Take two pieces of white bread. Make it something really fucking white, like Wonder or whatever. Now get some Jiffy or Peter Pan bullshit, and make it chunky, in honor of all the chunky's out there that love this sandwich. Spread it on all heavy like. Next, grab a jar of Fluff, that vile marshmallow spread, and spread that on the other slice. Put the two slices of bread that have gunk on them together and viola!, you've got a fluff'n nutter sammichh. I would suggest drinking it with a tall, cold glass of 2% milk, but if you're actually eating this be a true scumbag and wash it down with a coke, straight out of a two liter bottle thats been sitting in a mini fridge, in your room. You totally disgust me.

thanksgiving left over sandwich

If this were some popular blog that actually cared about readership one might say I should have waited till November to write about this tasty morsel, but it's not, so fuck off.

How great is Thanksgiving? Every year I drive home, usually a wee bit hung over, only to pull up into my parents drive way just as the food is being set on the table. Mmm, thinking about it is making my privates tingle with joy. While that meal is undeniably the best thing I'll eat all year, nothing can really top the left over sandwich that, no doubt, everyone across the congressional untied states devourers into early December. I like to keep mine simple.

If you have to use regular old bread, go ahead, thats fine and dandy, but I prefer using any dinner rolls that may still be lurking around. "But Nick," you may say, "a dinner roll isn't going to be big enough to satisfy my late night, drunken sailor hunger! Are you a fool?" No, I'm not, you stinky twit, you simply make a bunch of 'em! However, make sure that your eyes don't get too greedy for your tummy. Leftovers, are limited and you don't wanna waste any of that sweet, sweet homemade goodness. Anyway, take a desirable number of rolls, cut them in half, put 'em to the side for now. Next, take a large plate and evenly distribute about a half inch of mashed potatoes across the surface. Sprinkle a little bit of gravy on that shit. Now, rip the leftover turkey with your fingers into a size that looks suitable for sandwich portions. Now soak it with even more gravy. Place a paper towel over the top and nuke it in the microwave. Occasionally stop and stir it up cause the last thing you want is a lump of cold 'tatoes in your mouth. Once it's hot and ready, stir up the the mixture, and spread it on those rolls. I usually put too much on so that it oozes out the sides, but just lick that stuff up. Oh yeah, a dash of salt and pepper ain't gonna hurt it either.

Every once in a great while you'll see a variety of this sammich at some trendy restaurant, but I never get it. It's not the real deal, where everything was taken out of multicolored, warped tupperware, that was sitting in the fridge for a day or two. Also, they usually put cranberry sauce on there. I know I'm considered to be in the wrong on this one, but fuck that, FUCK THAT! If you put cranberry sauce on there it's gonna take over the simplicity of what it's meant to be. Also, cranberry sauce is totally disgusting. Grow up already.